She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
