Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
