I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
