Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
