If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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