I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
