In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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