i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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