Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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