dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
im about as happy as oj after his trial
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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