god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
