You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
