i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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