If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
