I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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