chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
