I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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