i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
