don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
