I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
