Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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