I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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