I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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