The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
