the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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