i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
