Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
