I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
