at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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