Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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