I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
