i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
