people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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