Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
