You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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