we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
