Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
