I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
