Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
