just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
