Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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