i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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