I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
