you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
