I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my shit smells like andre
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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