mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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