i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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