We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
