is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
