I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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