Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
