the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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