He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
